Monday, November 16, 2015

Bob's Colonoscopy Adventure

I want to introduce you to my brother Bob, although he prefers to go by Robert.  He thinks it more mature.  When you think about that would be correct, but then when you read his journal regarding his Colonoscopy adventure you will understand why I, along with the rest of the family call him Bob.  We know he's still the immature boy he was before he went out into the world.  It's actually one of the many things I love about him.  He can always make you laugh.  Whether the story is actually true or not, by the time he finishes telling it, not only do you believe it, it will have you peeing in your pants.
This morning Bob had his first Colonoscopy.  Due to the fact that he has a lot of friends that are scared to get this very important procedure done, he decided to man up, make his appointment and show them that it's not that bad.  He decided to document everything, kind of like journal.  And so it begins, in Bob's own words:

Sunday, November 15, 2015

6 a.m.-Woke up and did 60 minutes of cardio workout on Cross Trainer with an empty stomach, since I'm 24 hour out from procedure.  Looking forward to getting this taken care of tomorrow and getting a clean bill of health!

8 a.m.-Washed the Jeep and Hummer.  I usually wash and detail the inside, whether it needs it or not every Sunday.  I have done this for over 20 years.  Severe OCD.

9 a.m.- I'm starting to get hungry.   Haven't eaten since last night, when we attended a wedding and reception.  Lovely event held at The Cook Center.

9:30 a.m.-Clear protein drink since I can't have anything that has red, blue or green food coloring in it.

10:30 a.m.-Still hungry.

11:15 a.m.-Stomach growling like crazy.  I have to take four Dulcolax pills and start drinking a prep solution that is supposed to "clean me out."

12:30 p.m.-I'm hypoglycemic, so not eating and burning all the calories earlier is not a good thing.  Still drinking the prep solution.  Haven't felt anything "kick in," and I'm still hungry.

1:45 p.m.-Starting to be a little irritable.  Stacy (wife), is getting on my nerves.  Talking to much.  Still nothing from the "Prep Solution."

2:50 p.m.-I have five chihuahuas.  Starting to wonder how they would taste if I roll them in flour and activate the FryDaddy.  I may have diluted the "Prep Solution" a little to much.  Still nothing.

3:35 p.m.- UHG!!!  Really!!! I looked it up in the Penal Code and apparently murder is still illegal and I can't eat the freaking dog.  The "Prep Solution" and Dulcolax was apparently bought from the Discount Dollar Store.  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!

4:23 p.m.-OK!! SCREW THIS!!!   Family is totally on my nerves.  Told them to leave because Stacy was about to make dinner right in front of me!!!  This "Prep Solution and Dulcolax is a total failure!!!  WTH!!!  This stuff is a joke and false advertising.  I guess I'm the only person in the world that takes this stuff and burns a PTO day tomorrow only to have to reschedule this thing again!!!  The only thing I'm feeling is BLOATED!  UGH!!!

4:47 p.m.-DAM!  Just lost 23 pounds.  Getting light headed.....I think I'm dehydrated.

5:05 p.m.-Stacy and the kids checked into a hotel.  I can't find 4 of the dogs.  The one Chihuahua, "Stormy" appears to be throwing up in the back yard.  She won't come near the house for some reason.

5:54 p.m.-I just realized that a 12 pack of Charmin isn't as big as I thought.   I may type a complaint letter later.

5:58 p.m.-Disregarded the complaint letter.  I had to use the paper in the printer for something else.

6:15 p.m.-Wondering how I would look in skinny jeans.  I think I'll try on my daughters (Pumpkin) to see.

6:17 p.m.-WOW!   I actually ROCK skinny jeans!!!  I never thought that I would be small enough to wear them like the Hipsters do.

6:18 p.m.-DAMMIT!!!  Can anyone recommend a strong stain remover???  I have to take care of something before Pumpkin comes home.

6:27 p.m.-Logging onto Amazon Prime.  Ordered XL tube of Aloe Vera.  Requested drone delivery service.

So what it boils down to, is that I've been right all along, my brother is full of shit.